25 Best “The Office” Quotes from Dwight Schrute

“I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”

“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”

“Today, smoking is going to save lives.”

“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”

“Who is Justice Beaver?”

“Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.”

“I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.”

“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”

“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.”

“You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.”

“In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.”

“’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’”

“Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.”

“In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.”

“The eyes are the groin of the face.” 

“People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.” 

“In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”

“Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.”

“Congratulations on your one cousin. I have 70, each one better than the last.”

“I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England.”

“It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”

“I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.”

“Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man’s.”

“Listen up kid! I don’t like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.”

“Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you’re gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.”

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